The title comes from a quote by Marcus Aurelius, the Emperor of Rome from 161-180 AD, which struck me as false when I first read it. It hit a chord that was mentally disruptive and it prompted me to spend some time contemplating it as Marcus was not known for being a frivolous speaker. I thought about myself and my opinions and specifically, I focused on how I wielded them. The more I considered the simplicity of this statement, the more I came to agree with it. It has proven to be a significant benefit in my relationships and personal peace.

Consider the raw truth of the statement. For example, the NCAA men’s basketball championship was just held last week. If you ask any North Carolina fan about the game, they’re likely to tell you it was a great game. If you ask a Kansas fan the same question, you’re going to hear a different story, and the two will likely conflict in a lot of areas. Is anybody lying or exaggerating the truth? Doubtful. If your team won, the game was good, if they lost it was bad. Opinions, but not facts. The chief fact is that one team won, one team lost. That’s about it.

Does one political party govern better than the other? Does one flavor taste better than another? Is one vacation spot more desirable than another? Is one person a better human being than another? Is one job better than another? One company? One school? One church? These are all value judgements and largely subjective. Ask eight billion people, get eight billion opinions, all of them valid.

In considering Marcus’ statement, I am amazed at how closed off I had allowed myself to become as I got entrenched in my opinions. Somewhere in my thinking processes I ended up converting opinions into facts that were indisputable to me. In conversations with others who had opinions – differing ones, to be precise – I found myself arguing with and judging them. Both the person and the opinion. Left to run unhindered, some of my judgements even turned into resentments. My opinions, converted into facts, became weapons with which to criticize friends, family, co-workers, people in media sharing opinions different than my own and people I didn’t even know. My hubris shames me when I see it for what it is.

This is not to say that there are not standards of right and wrong, because there are and I believe any thinking person recognizes and accepts this fact. I take my standard from the Bible. Others derive their standards from education, the Constitution, their religion – the list is endless. I have observed that, generally speaking, some form of ‘do unto others as you’d have them do unto you’ is an acceptable standard of right and wrong for most situations. Love your neighbor as yourself. No sane person harms themselves.

Assuming the standard of right and wrong is accepted and applied in most situations, then whatever is left over is opinion. After reading, considering and agreeing with Marcus and after spending some time reevaluating my actions in situations where opinions conflict – especially where some kind of resolution is desired between the parties involved – and after altering some of my responses, I’ve learned some valuable lessons.

Since I accepted that I was simply dealing with an opinion, not a fact, I did not need to convince or change the other person or their opinion. They are as equally entitled to theirs as I am to mine, regardless of how poor, uneducated, harmful or silly I might think it is at first. Since I no longer felt the burden of convincing anyone of anything, I (unintentionally, at first) allowed myself to actually listen and consider their opinion. Rather than playing out responses in my head while they were advocating their position, I actually heard it without any other influences blocking or warping their words. Instead of focusing on my words, my ideas and my responses, I completely freed myself up to just take in and consider. It’s powerful and it’s liberating. It grieves me to see our society ripped apart by the ways many choose to engage with each other using social media as a weapon, rather than a tool for connection which is its purpose.

I’m grieved because I have learned so much. I’ve learned about myself. I’ve learned about others. I’ve been re-reminded that there’s always more to life than what I know, what I have heard and what I have experienced and always will be. I’ve learned that I always need to be learning, which means I should always be hearing, or putting myself in a position to hear. I’ve learned that I can hear what someone has to say in totality while agreeing with all, most, some or none of what they have to say. I’ve learned just because they’ve shared an opinion, it doesn’t mean I have to respond with one of my own. I’ve learned this is most true when the other person is signaling that they have no interest or intention of considering anything I might respond with. I’ve learned that every opinion is acceptable simply because every person has the right to one.

I have learned that I can learn from anyone. I have learned that I can learn from those I disagree with, even if all I learn is how I do not want to think, believe, speak or act. They say even a broken clock is right twice a day. I believe there is a lesson in every circumstance if I purpose in advance to see it and that cannot be done if I am clinging to my opinion to the exclusion of anything contrary.

I’ve learned how to be open to other ideas. I’ve learned that there are a lot better ways to do some things than the way I’ve been doing them. I’ve learned to see things from other viewpoints because more than one thing can be true at the same time. I’ve learned perspective. It’s absolutely redeeming. It allows me to be relatable and to relate. It fosters trust and it’s the basis of better relationships. Increased knowledge and understanding have allowed me to become more influential. Instead of just my own singular understanding, I have added to it the understanding of others. Learning to be a better listener has made me a better hearer, and being a better hearer has given me access to more people in deeper ways.

People just want to be heard. I certainly want to be heard. But better than being heard is being understood and/or accepted. I can understand someone else and wholly disagree with them or their position. It’s just an opinion, after all. But at least I know where they’re coming from and by my acceptance (not agreement) of their position, they are more open to hearing from me about my own, or my response to theirs. When I give the courtesy to honestly listen to hear, not rebut, once trust is established, that’s when the other person is willing to hear and consider my opinion. I’ve found that this – and only this – is the place where meaningful relationship truly happens. Going back to the Bible, Jesus tells me that no man has any great love until he ‘lays down his life’ for another. He did it physically for humanity, that’s not my calling. The simplest, most effective and most common laying down of my life involves talking less and listening more, from the heart and with integrity.

I am astounded at the clarity and peace that putting this into practice has brought me. It’s no longer important to be right, that’s not even the point. It’s about loving another above my self in the brief window of time that we’re together. Giving to another what I would want given to me. Inviting them into relationship through consideration. If they cannot return it, that’s a sure signal that the relationship I desire with them cannot happen. It frees me up to value them by moving on from them with grace, peace and love. With regard to other’s opinions that are harmful, antagonistic or destructive, in walking away I can give them ‘the gift of struggle’ as a wise advisor once said to me. Allowing them to continue on their path of discovery as I continue on mine without animosity, judgement or ill will. But if they can return it, then I have won a friend or deepened a relationship.

I’m built for connection. I believe everyone is. Josh McDowell says we are born with the urge to merge. No doubt. I’m excited to have new tools in my tool belt to seek and enjoy fulfilling and joyful mergers with all kinds of people and their opinions.