I recently ended a project I had been working on with a partner. I had spent almost five years, a lot of time and a sizeable amount of money on it. I decided to walk away from the enterprise because it had not achieved any of the objectives I had expected it to. As a matter of fact, I felt the needle hadn’t even moved in the direction I was hoping for, had it done so, I would certainly have been incented to keep going. This is not to say that there was nothing positive that was achieved, but for the time, effort and investment I had made, I found the return to be insufficient, all the more so because my main reason for getting involved never began to materialize.

My partner in the project was willing and eager to continue and expressed their disappointment and feelings of abandonment that I was not. Their opinion was that we had agreed to start together, and we should agree to end together. They felt that I was making a unilateral decision which was unfair in their eyes.

There are certain situations, like the one I’ve just described, where compromise is important because there is more than one interest and in a team approach and effort, all voices should be heard. However, in this case, I had many times over several years raised the objection that the direction I was hoping things would move in was not happening, and I was getting frustrated with the lack of progress toward it. I felt I had already compromised by spending as much time and investment as I had done up until that point.

Sometimes, when we have not just time, money and energy invested, but emotion, faith and hope and one person, or several seek to pull out of a team effort, those left behind will usually feel as though they’ve been let down, or like my friend, abandoned. It’s completely understandable, and those like me, who are doing the leaving can struggle with guilt over the aftermath of hurt feelings as a result.

Many of us have left jobs, volunteer positions, teams or group situations where we had been heavily depended upon. Those are hard decisions to make, and we often struggle internally for weeks, even years beforehand because we know we’ll disappoint someone. When we finally make the break – which if we’re really honest with ourselves we knew we should have made long ago – we struggle with the pain that our decision has aroused in others.

The purpose of this post, and what I tried to explain to my partner was not to see it as a tack I was taking against them, but something I was doing for me. That’s a really important distinction that can get lost in the emotion of the moment – on both sides of the decision. With every choice we make, there are others we didn’t. If we choose to stay, we’ve chosen not to leave. If we commit our financial support in one direction, it is unavailable in a different one. When we move out of one situation, we’re moving into another.

By choosing to move on, I made a choice for me. I made a choice to move in a new direction. Attitude is everything, and had I done so in a condemnatory or accusatory way, blaming my partner, circumstances or outside influences, I wouldn’t be taking responsibility. By owning myself, my feelings and my inner convictions, it allowed me to act in accordance with those values for myself, not against anyone or anything.

Accusations of selfishness are bound to follow, and from the outside looking at the decision I made for me, I suppose its understandable. But it is also incorrect. I’ve said in an earlier post, we cannot give what we don’t have. I didn’t have the energy to continue, and hadn’t for quite some time. In trying to keep going, I was stealing from inner resources that belonged elsewhere. I wasn’t being true to myself, my purpose, my values.

To remain as we are out of guilt or obligation would be to live in self-deception. We are likely to end up more miserable and tensions, frustrations and anger will eventually mount. Arguments begin and can become explosive. Relationships will go from being hurt – a temporary event – to being harmed, a much more significant one with long term consequences.

Advocating for ourselves is not selfishness, it is self-preservation and it is a critical skill to develop, and a challenging one to deliver. When we begin to stand up for ourselves, especially when we go against the group, there will usually be ruffled feathers and hurt feelings.

Many of us like the status quo even if, all things being equal, we’d like to move on as well. Sometimes, the fact that one of us dares to self-advocate and move on acts as a convicting mechanism for others of us who have given up or settled. We don’t want to admit that to ourselves, naturally, so we assign blame and guilt. The truth is those of us who remain behind often have lost the ability to consider another viewpoint. We may have deceived ourselves into thinking that to do so might lessen the value of the thing we’re involved in, in some way. If we’re not careful, we can end up caught in echo chamber thinking.

But those of us who consider where we are and where we’re headed and regularly check it against where we’re wanting to go will naturally make course corrections along the way. We allow ourselves to be guided by an inner compass based on a value system we create and protect. Nothing about this is against anyone at all. If we’re driving from Miami to New York and discover we’re on Route 10 heading west, we’re going to make an adjustment. It makes perfect sense in a car, just as it does in the kinds of situations we’re considering. We wouldn’t have anything against Mobile, San Antonio or Phoenix, we just want to go to New York.

As I look back and think of some of the decisions I have made to go out of so I could go into, in nearly every situation there was someone, or a group of people who had something negative, discouraging and even disparaging to say about my decision.

As I am writing this, I stopped to ask myself how did I react when someone chose to leave the group dynamic that I remained in? Was I that person, or part of that group that took offense or made it personal? Sure enough, I can recall times where I didn’t handle my responses as well as I should have. As I am learning how to self-advocate, I choose to extend the same grace to others that I would wish to receive from them when my time comes.

But in every one of those situations I’ve just mentioned, there were also those, even if just one, who encouraged me to follow my path. Instead of words of discouragement, some offered wisdom and advice that came from their experience and knowledge. Their encouragement came with guidance. In a time of difficult transition that kind of voice can be strength for us to keep going, to make the brave move – the conviction move. I’ve learned to seek those people out. I’ve learned to start there, looking for their counsel. The Bible says “In the multitude of counsellors there is wisdom.”

When we choose to go out of because our heart is leading us into something else, as we’re in the process we should seek those wise advisors out. They’ve been there before and they will have a nugget of wisdom, a practical idea or a warning of danger to avoid. Their input will also give us the strength we need for the moment we will have to tell those who are not following us that we are moving on.

As we go forth into our new endeavor and as we begin to flourish and succeed, without a doubt we will come across the path of one who is going out of where we find ourselves, and into the next that their path has laid out for them. Let’s remember to not just focus on the loss we may be feeling in that moment, but remind ourselves of the time when we were making the same choice. Let’s remember the comfort, direction and guidance we received from those who had travelled the path before us, and let’s be that for those who choose to be true to their vision. We’re all in this thing called life together. Many of us are heading in the direction our hearts are leading us, and this means we’re all going out of and into time and time again. Let’s choose to be those who quickly accept the hurt of our loss, which we’ve said is only temporary, and in that moment impart kindness and help to those who are moving on, using the lessons and encouragements we’ve received as we’ve walked our path. It will help to heal the sting of our loss a little more quickly, and who knows? One day down the road we may cross paths again and the goodwill we gave and received will lead to stronger relationships, larger opportunities and more fulfilling lives.