Psalm 23:5 starts out “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies…”. Picture that in your mind. Feasting at a table laden with every good thing you enjoy while all around you, your enemies are thrashing about, yelling insults, making threats, hurling abuse – but not daring to approach or attack. What a crazy scene! Not too far from a lot of experiences we’ve all had, just without the swords and shields.

It’s so easy to want to insult and fight back. Our enemies expect this from us, even. Yet, how many times in books and movies have we admired that character that refused to come down to their enemies’ level? They had some internal fortitude to take the abuse and the slander, look it in the face and not be moved by it in the slightest. More importantly, they did not let what others said about them change their internal dialogue of who they knew themselves to be.

In the Harry Potter series, when Dumbledore is surrounded by his enemies and is verbally abused for his etiquette, he is asked if he thinks his “jokes” will save him. “Jokes?”, he replies, “No, these are manners.” Class and character in the face of impending death.

I see it as a picture of what could be and should be in our lives when we are faced with difficult people. At home, at work, even at play, there are those who seek to put us down, insult us, talk behind our backs and in so many other ways attempt to make our lives miserable.

If you haven’t caught it, there is a recurring theme in all of my posts on this blog. At all times, in all situations, regardless of the dynamic, we have the power to choose how we will respond. We have the ability to reach within ourselves and decide who we will be in any given situation. It isn’t easy and most of the time it’s not even “fair”. In my experience, we will have to accept that we’ll be seen to be in the wrong when we know the opposite to be true. But it is possible.

The obvious question is how can we develop that kind of internal messaging? How do we move from replying in kind to not being moved from the core of who we want to be and replying from that place, instead? Questions like this are what I have asked myself and when I have failed, asked again.

I have a wonderful mentor in my life who has helped me understand some of the unseen but very real forces behind adversarial interactions. For each of us – ourselves and our adversaries – it starts with the recognition and acceptance of who we truly see ourselves to be on the inside. Do we like or loathe ourselves? Are we primarily givers or takers? Are we often concerned for others, or only ourselves?

Asking ourselves these kinds of questions, and determining who we choose to be – who we are committed to be – in challenging relational situations is how we can prepare ourselves for the inevitable. Joyce Meyer says “hurting people hurt people” and she is so right. Most of the people we encounter who come at us attacking, maligning, using their words as weapons are hurting inside. That’s not to excuse them from their actions, wrong is wrong. But being armed with that knowledge, and being fueled with the inner commitment to respond from a place of character, rather than our own place of hurt, we can begin to rise above the painful relationships and situations that are going to be a regular part of our lives. Hurting people are not going to go away, we are going to have to deal with them. But we can sit at our internal table of feasting in the midst of the angst all around us, if we so choose.

When we start having success in our response tree, we can begin to proactively prepare for these antagonistic interactions. Rather than avoid or run away from them, we can get ready for them and if not go on the offensive, at least walk into them forearmed. We will never have complete control of situations that involve others, but when we can walk into them in control of ourselves, we become the power player in the setting. While others thrash about with their words, emotions and actions, we will have the ability to remain calm, cool and collected. Many people I know, myself included, incorporate meditation and positive affirmation into their daily lives as a tool to build inner strength and reinforce the inner image of who we are and who we are determined to remain and become.

When we take the time, ahead of time, to build in ourselves declarations of purpose, peace, will and choice we truly do go on the offensive, just on the inside. Rather than having a passive internal dialogue, we begin to develop a purposeful, active one. The part of our brain that governs our self-talk is incapable of differentiating between truth and falsehood. It combines past experience with feelings and when the feeling or experience shows up in the present, it tells us “this is that!”. It is simply a response machine. But, we can begin to reprogram it and tell it a different story. Rather than becoming reaction machines like so many around us, we can develop the ability to choose our reactions. We are no longer slaves to the reaction machine, but we begin to control it and make it serve us.

When we find ourselves in situations where others are behaving unreasonably, rather than panic or become frustrated and upset, we can have a deep well of inner calmness in reserve that we can tap into and bring to the forefront. There are actual careers where people are trained in this kind of response tree mechanism. Hostage negotiators, therapists, diplomats, politicians and corporate executives are just a few examples. These are people in the midst of the firestorm, in the public eye who have no other choice but to bring these skills to bear in order to have successful resolutions and outcomes. There is no margin for error when lives, elections and shareholder votes are won or lost by a word well spoken, or a casual comment spoken in the foolishness of a heated moment.

Fortunately, most of us will never face these types of dire situations, at least I hope not. But regardless of the situation we do find ourselves in, I hope that we’re able to tap into this place of power that is available to all without consideration of age, education or experience. Choice is the one thing that we all have in common. Choice is the one thing we all exercise at all times, in every situation. As Neil Peart penned, no doubt tongue-in-cheek, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.”

Let’s begin to see ourselves not as powerless over difficult people, but the opposite. We are the ones, who through reasoned choices, exercise our power. We are the ones who make time to better ourselves, to fortify ourselves against the day of adversity we are sure to face. We are the ones who instead of being buffeted by circumstance, dictate to circumstances by controlling ourselves. We may not be able to control the outcome of external situations, but we can and should always control the internal ones and that will lead to better external ones in the long run.

Lastly, in the bandwidth that represents our choice options, let’s never forget that we have the power to choose to walk away from people who refuse to change. Let’s not deceive ourselves. There are those out there who are committed to their provocations, who have no interest in self control or personal excellence. Let’s not despise or denigrate them, rather have pity and pray for them. Those are people stuck in hurts and self-loathing we may not be able to conceive of. As my mentor says, sometimes you just have to give people the gift of struggle. We’re all on our path, we’re all learning, all discovering. We are blessed to be the ones discovering things about ourselves and choosing to implement things to grow and improve.

Let’s put into practice what we know and let’s strive to get better. Every day, in every way, lets get better and better. Thank you, Mark Fisher for The Instant Millionaire, a book I cannot recommend highly enough to anyone reading this post.

Learning to flourish in the midst of provocation is an active process. It is never completed, only increased or decreased to the measure that we practice it. I hope that as we live our lives and face our challenges, we will inspire others to begin and learn to flourish in theirs, but ultimately that choice is theirs. As the saying goes, be the change you want to see in the world. This is how it begins.