Overfunctioning is a term that I have recently discovered because it is a behavior I have been guilty of practicing and one I am working on overcoming. At its core, it means doing way too much, or taking on more than is want or necessary, but in practice it is so much more than that. This is because overfunctioning happens in relationships. It happens both in casual relationships like work or business as well as personal relationships like family and friends.

Psychologists identify overfunctioner and underfunctioner roles in relationships. You can learn more about that through a google search. Since this blog is chronicling my path and I tend to overfunction, that’s what this post is going to focus on.

In relationships, overfunctioners step in to fill gaps that they feel shouldn’t be there. Their intention is to pick up slack, to lend a hand, to help out and even to get a critical task done that others are failing to do. I think of over functioning as being either active or passive. Psychology does not classify it in this way, so understand that this is my definition and I am not a professional!

I see active overfunctioning as being a busybody. We’ve all seen people like this. They know, they’ve experienced, they’ve heard, they’ve read; and so they swoop in with their advice, critique and direction to lead and guide you to the proper way to do whatever the need or task at hand is. They are bossy know-it-alls and tend to be among the most annoying humans that we have to interact with. They don’t listen and they can’t hear because they already know it all. It’s great that you have an opinion, now kindly move out of the way and let the professionals direct the show. I run from people like this. I think most of us do.

I want to talk about passive overfunctioning, which I truly believe is the majority of overfunctioning that goes on in the world. I say this based on personal experience as well as observation of others; or maybe I’m just biased. Passive overfunctioners quietly get things done. They see a need; they meet the need. If they’re asked, they step up to help. They view the world in terms of what they can do to make it better.

You can ask a passive overfunctioner to help over and over and they’ll almost always say yes every time. On those rare occasions when they do say no, they’ll feel so guilty that they’re likely to look the asker up later to see if there’s something they can help with now, since they couldn’t then.

They are well meaning, big hearted and givers at their core. They see part of their mission in life as being helpers, especially to those who are in need and they receive genuine fulfillment when they’re able to make a difference in someone’s life. They’re not pushy like the active overfunctioner, they’re just ready, willing and able when called upon. They will often offer, but they will accept a ‘no thank you’, unlike their active opposites.

However, passive overfunctioners have to be on guard against a few personality traits that can draw them toward their overfunctioning. A very common one is the need or desire to be liked, approved of and thought well of. Their self-worth can come from the approval and opinion of others rather than from their own self-valuation. It was a major step for me when I accepted that I had worth and value intrinsically and not because I performed in a certain way or was approved of by anyone else. I define me and my value, not anyone else.

Passive overfunctioners can also draw their self-esteem and worth from that feeling of being needed. They self-validate from the feeling of having purpose or being wanted. They can be lethargic and despondent, having no compass within themselves until the joy of being called upon arises. Instead of having their own internal purpose that leads them to actions which produce positive self-feelings and thoughts, they reflect off of others’ need of them.

In conjunction with an excellent therapist, I learned these lessons, ironically enough from the vampires in my life. Overfunctioners – duh – over function. Underfunctioners live below their capabilities. Vampires are a totally different breed. They are selfish, self-centered, narcissistic takers. They live to drain you dry and move on to the next willing victim.

Vampires all have the same basic traits in common, it’s only their methods that differ. First, a vampire cannot see its reflection in a mirror; they have no self-image. They have no ability to obtain one, so they feed off of others. They are drawn to their victims like moths are to light because they have no ability to source from within themselves. They are massively insecure, which they mask by spending most of their time talking about you, but never themselves. They lure you in by appearing to be caring and interested and once you’re hooked, they can feed.

Secondly, vampires do not have the ability to feed themselves. They can only feed off of others. They suck the life out of you for their own sustenance. Since they have no self-image, they cannot self-source well-being, security or comfort. They have no way to self-soothe because they can’t identify their self. They wouldn’t know it if they could see it.

Third, vampires are deathly afraid of the light. Everyone around them can see them for who and what they are, but try to explain to a vampire how and why they are a being vampire and they simply won’t hear it. In order for a vampire to accept correction, they’d have to be able to self-assess and self-evaluate. Since they have no sense of self – they can’t accurately see themselves – they can’t accept stern rebuke, much less constructive criticism. They’re quick to point fingers at anyone but themselves and find fault anywhere but within. Vampires always look for someone else to make a wrong right, since they themselves are incapable of doing wrong.

Which is why passive overfunctioners are the tastiest food a vampire can sink their teeth into. Overfunctioners love to give, and vampires live to take. As a wise man once said to me; “When you live your life as a giver, some people will treat you like an ATM.” You don’t see a lot of deposits at ATM’s, just withdrawals. Vampires will wear out a debit card sucking the life out of you.

A vampire will stroke a passive overfunctioners ego by telling them how special they are. How they don’t know how they’d make it without them. How valuable they are and how grateful the vampire is to have them in their life. All of this is exactly what we want to hear. We are born to want to give the vampire exactly what it needs, and it’s asking so nicely, and it’s so well meaning and it needs us! We naturally rise to the occasion and derive immense satisfaction from being able to be there for them.

We begin to wake up when we realize that the flow of giving has only been moving in one direction; away from us and toward the vampire. No matter how hard wired we are to give, at some point we just run dry. In one relationship, I remember telling my therapist that I was just plain “gived-out.” I had nothing left in the tank. When we ask for something in return, in my experience, a vampire will either make whatever promise they have to in order to keep their supply coming and will never deliver, or they will turn the tables and call us selfish and self-centered for asking or making demands from them.

In the movies, they drive a stake through the vampire’s heart to kill it. If you’re keen to avoid a lengthy prison sentence, I can offer a real-world alternative. It will throw a vampire into total confusion, and if you practice it correctly, it will banish them to the darkness from whence they came. It’s one of the most powerful words in the English language, and it is close to being a four-letter word for a passive overfunctioner:

NO.

That’s it. Just no. Just say no. Vampires HATE no. Thanks to Dr. Needra Tawab and her outstanding book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, I’ve learned the wonderful healing power of the word no.

No doesn’t make me a bad person, it doesn’t change me from a giver to a taker, it doesn’t make me selfish and it doesn’t mean I’m denying my true self. It means exactly the opposite. I am valuing myself. I am valuing myself enough to no longer be a source of supply for a vampire who has no interest in a give-and-receive relationship, but only lives to feed off my kindness and generosity.

I am worth – and if you see yourself in this blog post – you are worth being the fullest and truest self you can be. Our giving can only be truly rewarding when a joyful and grateful recipient benefits from it. Giving become a laborious hateful task when it is sucked up by a vampiric taker.

The worst thing I could imagine is if instead of reclaiming myself, as Dr. Tawab says, I sunk into the bitterness of being used and taken advantage of, and in angry self-protection refused to come back out of that shell of safety and be a difference maker in a world that is desperate for more of us.

I am grateful that I’m learning to value myself enough to say no and pull away from vampires before they have the chance to suck all the life out of me. I am grateful that I have found the power to direct my giving toward receivers and away from takers.